And The Winner Is...

Announcing the Sad Claude Awards for 2008:

Best Film
In Bruges

Best Album
Only By The Night (Kings of Leon)

Best Gig
Crowded House - Sherwood Forest Pines

Best TV Show
God on Trial - BBC

Kings of Comedy

I was musing today on which are the greatest TV comedy shows of all-time. I am positive not everyone will agree with my selection, but in no particular order, here are some of my favourites:

• Steptoe And Son
• Curb Your Enthusiasm
• The Simpsons
• The League of Gentlemen
• Fawlty Towers
• I'm Alan Partridge
• Bottom
• Blackadder
• The Office

Gun Nuts

Texans. How we love 'em.

This quote is taken from a Texas gun store's website (the incorrect spellings and poor English are left in):

"Now that America has voted in the most Liberal Gun Hating president in the history of the USA, be prepared for the worse possible nightmares to happen. With the possibility of Obama hooking up with the UN in the world quest to wipe out the sale of small arms and setting the old Clinton assualt ban back in place. Guns such as your semi-automatic 22 : Model 60 Marlin, Ruger 10/22 or even your Remington 1100 would be added to the ban list. Dont set idley by. Join the NRA, GOA or some other group that has lobbying power to preserve your 2nd Ammendment rights."

And these people form the most powerful nation on earth. Luckily, most Americans are not like this at all, and hopefully neither is the new President. Please, Mr Obama, don't set idley by...

Christmas Is Coming

It is that time of year again. Ho ho ho. Time for a pre-season ditty

A week away from Xmas hols
And work is such a slog.
I'm getting quite impatient
For my chocolate yuletide log

I will try to make the best of it
No meetings please - I'm bored
Just one more final thing to say
Happy Christmas all, from Claude

In Today's News...

Oh Boy, George

So, it seems that George O'Dowd is going to jail for tying a male escort to his bed. O'Dowd is, of course, better known as Boy George.

He may be quite overweight now, an escort-abuser and former drug addict, but I like to remember him in his 80s technicolour peak.

Say what you will, Karma Chameleon is still a classic.

Sick But Warm

Hooray. I looks like we have finally got our central heating working. At least, it seems to be OK, who knows how long that can last.

It took nearly a whole day of fussing and fixing with the plumber and boiler repairman, but so far it appears to be doing its stuff.

Sadly, it wasn't in time to stop me developing some kind of bug. My throat is raging and swallowing is difficult. I am not even enjoying the cup of coffee I am drinking right now. Every gulp feels like I am swallowing a mouthful of pins.

Woe is Claude.

Brass Monkeys

Bbbblimey iiiiiit's ccccccold aaaaat tttttthe mmmmoment.

The freezing temperatures are not helped by the fact our boiler is on the blink. It turns off every 5 minutes, meaning when we return to the house or get up in the morning the whole house is like an igloo.

Roll on summer...

Overheard

I heard a group of teenagers debating where in the world McDonald's have restaurants.

One, obviously sharp individual, commented "Well, they definitely have 'em in America 'cos I saw one once."

McDonald's in America? Nah.

Driven To Distraction

It is my company's policy to send all company car drivers on a defensive driving course.

I had put it off for too long, so today I trotted down to Nottingham looking forward to seeing lots of videos of car crashes and idiotic driving.

It wasn't quite like that. We actually had to drive while someone made notes and then pointed out all the things we had done wrong. It was like taking my test again.

Then, at the end, we had to drive for about 30 minutes and give a commentary and what we were doing and could see. This didn't include criticising other drivers, laughing at women parking or abusing old people crossing the road. I was at a complete loss.

Is It a Bird?

I am quite a big fan of the first two Christopher Reeve Superman movies and was slightly disappointed with Bryan Singer's Superman Returns.

However, if this story were ever to happen I might feel a tingle not experienced since the epic and wonderful Lord of the Rings trilogy...

Children In Need

OK, it is a worthy cause and I am not denying that the charity deserves the money it raises.

However, the TV "feast" we get subjected to, year-upon-year, leaves me feeling like tearing my eyes out and sticking them in my ears to spare me the horror.

This is just a sample of the "spectacular" events gracing the BBC this year. I quote:

"The cast of the Bill do the jailhouse rock at Sun Hill in their tribute to the Blues Brothers."

"Gok Wan shows the residents of Coronation Street How To Look Good Naked in Weatherfield, followed by live music from Girls Aloud and Leon Jackson."

"East meets West as the cast of EastEnders put on a showstopping West End musical spectacular from Albert Square, and there's an exclusive performance from Take That."

Awful. Just painfully, painfully awful.

Nothing Stays The Same

I was in Sheffield the other day, mooching around and just killing time.

I ventured onto a street where there used to be a couple of good record shops and thought I could burn some minutes there.

No such luck. The stores (independent and with a good mix of music) had both gone. Lots of other stores had disappeared too and all that was left were some tacky-looking theme pubs and lots of coffeee shop chains.

It was all rather sad.

Gridiron

I am a fan of American Football and have been since the 1980s. I was lucky enough to see the first International Series game in London last year between my team, the Miami Dolphins, and the New York Giants.

The second of these games in London was played last night, with the Saints defeating the Chargers in a cracking game. I didn't get to this one - as I am not a fan of either team and I have already seen the Chargers play two years ago in the US.

I am hoping that the game next year will feature a team I have an interest in, as it was a great occasion.

Poorly

Sat at home today after coming down with a stomach bug on Saturday night. It is the sort you can't shift and it kept me up most of last night. So, I called into work to say I wouldn't be in - something I always hate doing. I always feel like I should put on a weak sounding voice, to show I am really ill. But, it always ends up sounding as if I am faking it, even when I am not.

On The iPod

Current Mix on my iPod:

Stay With Me - Faces
Jacqueline - The Coral
Laid - James
Panic - The Smiths
Building a Mystery - Sarah McLachlan
Video Killed The Radio Star - The Buggles
Wish You Were Here - Pink Flloyd
The Thrill is Gone - BB King
Freewheel - Duke Special

'Tis rather splendid.

Beer Into Wine Into Apple Vodka

Equals mad, rambling blog posts.

Help.

I Make No Comment

A Christian being interviewed on the radio this morning made the following statements:

• Dressing a child up as a witch to celebrate Halloween is evil.
• God hates it when we don't accept Him into our lives. If we do not accept Him into our lives we will face eternal consequences.

I would love to comment on the above. But I won't. Make up your own minds, people.

Battle Of The Bands

A list of bands/artists that I regard as being rather good. I would not say I am a massive fan of all of them, but have at least enjoyed one or two albums down the years.

In no particular order:

• The Beatles
• Crowded House
• Split Enz
• Hunters and Collectors
• Snow Patrol
• Supertramp
• Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
• Dave Dobbyn
• BB King
• John Lennon
• Robbie Robertson
• The Flaming Lips
• The Mutton Birds
• Billy Joel
• Sarah McLachlan
• Duke Special
  

I could go on. But I won't. For now.

Smarty Pants

Smart cars are weird little things. I am not a fan personally, but I have to admit I love their new line.

This Smerrari would be perfect for getting around town without getting laughed at (much):

Tales of Woe

As the financial crisis seems to worsen, I have several fears about banks around the world.

There are rumours that the Origami bank will fold, there is something fishy about the Sushi bank and the Page Three bank could go bust.

I am losing sleep...

Men (and women) Of Property

We bought a house today. It is not for us to live in - but as an investment for the future.

I know some people feel now is the wrong time to buy - but prices are low and sellers are jittery. We picked this house up for £11,000 less than it was originally on the market for.

I am confident property is still a very good investment and means of providing financial and working freedom. Only time will tell if I am correct, but we are on our way...

The Good Life

I am currently enjoying three days holiday from work. For no particular reason, I just fancied some time off.

My days have been spent walking the mutt, doing a bit of painting (walls not canvasses), watching some movies, playing a bit of guitar and general mooching about.

I have thoroughly enjoyed it. People who say they would be bored without work are - in my opinion - plain crazy. I could get used to this lifestyle very easily.

Note To Self

Do not Blog after wine and beer...

New Jumper

I bought a new jumper today. It is green and chunky and just what I was after. I wanted something to keep me warm now winter is approaching.

It wasn't expensive, but I like it. It has the potential to become an all-time favourite. I once had a black jumper than I loved dearly. It was very comfortable and I thought looked very cool. Unfortunately it developed a hole and is long since gone. I am thinking this new one could become as much-loved as that one.

RIP black jumper.

West Sham United

The viewpoints and arguments regarding the whole Tevez-West-Ham-cheating scandal are many. Some I agree with and some I disagree with.

However, the following comment about it on TalkSport (which can be entertaining at times, but does tend to employ a rather high number of ignorant, racist halfwits) really got my goat. Apparently Sheffield United should "leave West Ham alone" because "the 'Ammers 'ave got, like, a good tradition and, you know, like, had people who, like, won the World Cup, or suffink".

Ah, so that means cheating is OK. But if a club with a less illustrious past (say, Sheffield United) should cheat then they should be taken to the cleaners. How fair.

Commuting Commotion

I spent three hours commuting to and from work today.

Not only that, but I estimated that this pleasure also cost me about £15 in fuel.

Three hours, £15, to sit in a boring, tedious, irritating meeting for nearly five hours.

Work, to use an Americanism, sucks.

The Trouble With Bosses

I think I have had a quite bad run when it comes to bosses. My first was a particularly unlikeable chap, homophobic, racist and sexist.
The other seemed OK at first, but then showed his true colours by being ignorant, bad at his job, manipulative, hypocritical and fat (well, he was always fat, but the other traits came out as time wore on).
Mysteriously, both of these unpleasant individuals are called Ian.
My current boss is not particularly my cup of tea. She isn't called Ian, but we don't quite see eye-to-eye. I think it is just a personality clash, but I know my predecessor had similar difficulties with her.
I think the only answer is to work for myself. Then I would be my own boss - but who knows, maybe he will be the worst of them all...

Good News Day

Sometimes one can have a day when things just work out. Today was one such day. Both myself and my fiancée had great news about jobs that suggest our future is looking very rosy indeed.

We are enjoying a glass (or two) of wine and toasting our continuing good fortune and happiness.

Bad Luck Claude

I am a curse to whichever sports team I follow.

Whenever I start to support a team you can guarantee they will never win anything. Ever.

Want proof?

Sheffield United (football). I suppose I started to support them in 1981 after my first game.
Major trophies since then = 0
(before I was born, one English League Championship and four FA Cups)

Miami Dolophins (US football) started supporting in 1987.
Superbowl wins since then = 0
(they won two in the 1970s).

New York Yankees (baseball) started supporting in 2002 after seeing them play in New York.
World Series since then = 0
(they won it three times in a row in 1998, 1999, 2000).

England football team. I would have to say supported them all my life, really, but first memory is the 1982 World Cup.
World Cups and European Championships since then = 0
(before I was born, one World Cup).

So, you see, I really am a bad luck charm. Just hope, nay pray, I don't start supporting your team...

A Right Monkey

A good few years ago I worked for a magazine in Sheffield. During the sometimes long, boring days, we created a fictitious character whose life-long ambition was to become a stand-up comic.

We called him Barry Monkey and one of the reps (Andrew) agreed to take on the role of Barry and try to secure a spot at a local club.

He called up, and in his best Bernard Manningesque voice, tried to persuade the club's manager to "give me a break". His woeful attempts to impress him included telling the following gag:

"My sister never married. She has though just given birth. That makes me a Monkey's uncle."

The manager was not impressed by Barry's efforts and he got increasingly desperate: "Please just give me a chance - I'll bring me own microphone."

How Andrew kept up the charade for so long was quite something and mightily impressive.

Needless to say, Barry didn't get the gig.

11th September

It is seven years since the terror attacks in the US.

I remember the day very well - it touched me especially as I had been in New York and Washington just a few weeks before.

That day changed the world, sadly for the worse and it is a much sadder and intolerant place than before.

Good Old England

Just beaten Croatia 4-1 in Zagreb.

Well done boys, I am sure we fans never doubted you for a second...

Quote Of The Day

In a tedious two hour marketing meeting today, we were shown a quote from the Big American Boss. It was:

"In our company we are twice as good at marketing as we think we are and only half as good as we could be."

Wow. That means I am actually decidedly average at marketing. Twice as good as I thought...

Being Late

I hate being late. I don't know why, but it seems to be happening a lot to me lately.

I was late for a business meeting last week - which was down to horrendous traffic on the dreaded M1.

Then today was my cousin''s wedding and somehow, I managed to be late twice. The first time was because it took so long for us to get ready and out of the door - then we went the wrong way - and had the misfortune to arrive at the church just as the bride was making her way down the aisle. We sheepishly took our seats and at least saw the whole service.

The second was because we decided when waiting in that rather boring time between service and reception, to pop home to let the mutt out and give her some dinner. We set off being reassured that the meal and speeches would start at 5.30. They didn't. They started at 4.45. We arrived back at 5pm, happy to have made it in plenty of time. So, we stood at the back listening and then, once more, made our way sheepishly to our table.

I have a meetig at 10am in Manchester tomorrow. I am planning on leaving home at 5am to make it...

TV-Tastic

I often bemoan the quality of TV, it is often vacuous and soulless. However, just once in a while TV can throw up the kind of programme that delights, horrifies and prokes thought as much as any movie or play.

The BBC delivered such a treat last night with God on Trial, a brilliantly acted and directed drama about prisoners in Auschwitz debating how their God could allow them to suffer such cruelty and brutality.

I would strongly advise watching this - you will not be disappointed.

A Tale of 3 Cities

My favourite cities:

1. New York
2. London
3. Prague

Still to visit Sydney, Wellington, Tokyo, Moscow which could usurp the above...

Summer in England

So, today is the last day of August and, true to form, it has been miserable, rainy and sticky.

What a terrible summer we have once again endured. It really makes one think about the quality of life we have in this country and inspired me to make a list of what is wrong with this isle of ours:

• The weather really is miserable
• It is unreasonably expensive (fuel, food, energy etc)
• The yob culture continues to grow
• We have little concept of how to enjoy alcohol
• The traffic is horrendous - everywhere
• Every high street is exactly the same - nothing is different or special (every shop in every town is either WHSmith, McDonald's, Boots, Marks and Spencer, HMV etc)
• Our benefits system is a complete joke
• Taxation is unfair and far too high
• Our achievements are historical and unlikely to be superceded
  

In fairness, there are some good points too:

• Freedom of speach still exists
• The English language
• We gave the world many major sports (and then struggle to be good at any of them)
• Democracy
• Some stunning scenery
• People are in general friendly
• For a small island, we have contributed hugely to the world of literature, science, art, music and politics
  

Back

Returned from a rather splendid time in the Czech Republic yesterday - tired after driving more than 2,500 miles in total.

There is much to share, digest and divulge, but for now, here are some thoughts and observations made during the past nine days:

• There was a distinct smell of sprouts as we neared Brussels...
• Sharing a sauna with a naked German man was a unique experience
• My word, beer is cheap in Czech - best I found, 15p a bottle
• Table tennis can be a lot of fun
• Fried cheese is a very tasty dish
• Returning from holiday is rubbish
  

Czech Here We Come

Tomorrow we leave for Czech - just in the final throws of packing now.
We have decided to opt for the automobile as our mode of transport. Yes, it takes a long time - probably about 18 hours door-to-door - but does have its advantages. No airports, no flying and having a car when there will be extremely handy.
We travel down through England, into the Tunnel, enter France, fly through Belgium, spend a long time in Germany and hit Czech from the west. We then skirt Prague before arriving at our final destination, having clocked up over 950 miles.
We are well prepared - lots of Red Bull and music to stave off unwanted shut eye on the Autobahn.
Ahoj for now...

Heroes and Villains

In what will be a recurring item for this blog, here is the first of my (constantly changing) Heroes and Villains list. In no particular order, Villains:

• Robbie Williams
• Christian O'Connell
• Jon Gaunt
• The price of fuel
  
• Tomatoes
• The M1
• Corruption in football
• Bad service
• Taxation
• High School Musical
• UK Medical Ltd
  

Heroes:

• John Lennon
• Neil Finn
• Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes
• Audi A4 cars
• Italian food
• The internet
• Tag Heuer watches
• Dave Dobbyn
• White Stuff
• Gibson Les Paul guitars
• Cinema
  

Happy Birthday To You

It is my fiancée's 30th birthday today.
Have a great day, sweetheart.
Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám
Miluju tě.

Czech Them Out

As I am in a Czech mood, due to my impending holiday there, it is interesting to note some of the worthy (or at least famous) people that have originated from this proud country.

• Franz Kafka
• Gustav Mahler
• Antonin Dvorak
• Eva Herzigova
• Ivana Trump
• Ivan Lendl
• Martina Navratilova
• Milos Forman
• Alfons Mucha
• Jan Hammer
• Good King Wenceslas
• Sigmund Freud
  

We also have the Czechs to thank for beer and Skoda cars.

That Holiday Feeling

Today I broke up. No more work for a splendid 17 days. Nine of these days will be spent in the Czech Republic, which will be most pleasant. Four of these days will be spent in the mountains in a rather fine looking hotel.
I am looking forward to brushing up on my Czech, which seems to improve, albeit slowly.
Ahoj for now...

"Challenges"

I work for a very big American company.
This has its disadvantages. One, of many, is that we are not supposed to have problems. Or issues. Or situations. Or difficulties. No, we have "challenges". I find this most challenging

The M1

Reasons to hate the M1.

• I spend at least two hours a day on it
• It is nearly always busy
• It is full of idiots
• It is too small for the volume of traffic
• There are 7 miles of roadworks at Nottingham that will be there for another two years
  

Blogging

So this is blogging. I hope you had fun. Another year over. A new one just begun.